Her argument is first stated in a question and then answered. The argument had to do with life in each society ruled by different people/governments. Instead of just grabbing evidence from the books, videos, documents, etc she used real life situations such as the society in North Korea. She came to a conclusion that living under a totalitarian society is just out right torture; not being able to have your own thought and opinion. To compare and contrast, you used both books and docs to refer to. Instead of just stating the problem, it went more into depth about what happens after rules are broken-people being killed. Reading through your essay, I found the use of good grammar and very good choice of words.
Target: Josh Millar
I thought the argument was presented well because you provided more than an answer. You explained why the society is horrible by saying people don’t have “freedom, choice and opinion.” The evidence you choose was very supportive. I just thought that it would have been good to add a little more because a lot of the information was being repeated. You came to a conclusion that living in a totalitarian society is a horrible place to live in. Maybe the evidence will extend your conclusion on why the society is so bad. From evidence added you could mention more about how they came up to power. The way you compared Hitler and Stalin was very good because you mention how they stay in control. Maybe, you next time he could have added more about how Feed controls through their technology. Overall I thought that his grammar was mostly correct, just a few mistakes here and there.
Improvement: Blaine Tonaki
He reached the target of presenting an argument. Although next time you could add a little bit more on what the society is doing that’s a problem. The information that he has is good, about people are not aware what is going on. From what is given, the same information is being repeated about how they are being tortured physically and mentally and that the citizens don’t realize what is happening around them. The way you ended your essay, I thought was very well said because you mentioned how Hitler, Stalin, 1984 and Feed have power in similar ways. I would just suggest that maybe next time it would be better not to skip around in the paragraphs. Use one paragraph for the one particular category you had in mind. From what I read there were a few grammar and spelling mistakes here and there that were constantly being repeated. For example, he kept on putting the wrong know. He put no instead of know.